Today was supposed to be our first day back to church since Ezekiel was born. It has been three weeks. It is about time. People are excited to meet him and if you can pack all the kids up and go to a farm, you can make it to church, right?
Right. Things started out strong. I gave the girls a decent breakfast I could feel proud of. I had showered the night before. My mom bun was coming across more like an up-do. We’ve got this.
After about episode three of Blaze and the Monster Machines, things started to crumble. I let the girls watch as much TV as they want on Sunday mornings because… well, survival. Today, they just weren’t interested. Fighting with each other was way more entertaining. Ezekiel decides being set down is not allowed today. I manage to put my make-up on anyway.
The girls are dressed, Ezekiel is dressed and his diaper is clean, all we have to do is get out the door. Oh wait, I’m not dressed. This dress is too short, I can’t nurse in that… Who is crying? Girls, why are we fighting over baby toys? Okay, getting dressed. Those are shorts. Can you wear shorts to church?
Next thing I knew, Ezekiel was screaming, so I scoop him up. Now Faith is crying because Ellie bit her so hard she drew blood. Now Ellie is crying because I got her in trouble for biting. And of course, I am crying because I just can’t take it anymore. Enter text from Nehemiah, “Did you make it out the door?” Let the floodgates open. I text back “I am trying so hard.” Followed later by, “I feel like a failure.”
I juggle so many things, most of them revolving around the expectations of others and the ones I place on myself. I’m holding out my hands to catch one more thing and then another and another and things start falling and I start to panic… Finally, I just stop juggling. I release all the things and let them come crashing down. It is in that moment, when you surrender it all that you have, God is right there. With his hands underneath yours, catching the important stuff and letting the rest fade away.
We didn’t make it to church today, but when I decided to stop juggling, that is when I had clarity. Ezekiel fell asleep in my arms. Faith sat down to read the Bible aloud to Ellie and we could breathe again. Sometimes, you just have to let it all fall. Sunday will be here again before we know it.